Two more men were beaten up on the streets of Missoula last weekend. That same night a friend had her purse stolen, after a rock was thrown through her car window. My friend Marcus is saddened by his friend lying in the hospital. My friend with the smashed window and stolen purse (who is handling it better than I would) must reassemble the life's contents that a purse contains. Both acts were violent and disruptive, but only one sent people to the hospital. This is the crime I will address.
I have so many reactions to violence and they are confusing each other. I want to deal out some justice Wild West style. I am nervous when walking the streets of the city I love and respect. I am pissed that I am scared my property or health might be stolen. I want to lash out. Go huntin' and kick some inbred ignorant asses. I know violence doesn't solve anything. It just generates more violence. I know TV commercials, speeches and essays, like this one, only preach to the choir because people who commit violent acts will only learn when they are incarcerated. But, even then, rehabilitation and education hardly ever work. It's frustrating, scary, emasculating and enraging. Hence the confusion.
So, what to do about violence? Marcus wants to educate and hold a benefit art sale. I applaud this. I'm going to help with this. We both despise violence. I appreciate his advanced evolutionary approach. I am trying to stay on his level because he and I share a similar background. But, I will continue to stay in shape. I will continue to imagine how I will mutilate a person if they ever threaten me or my friends and family with violence. More confusion.
Mutilate. Yes, that's what I said. This is where Marcus and I differ. It's a very strong word. It comes from fear and hate and powerlessness and red, blinding, self-hating RAGE. I will never hurt someone, physically or emotionally, on purpose, but I will defend myself with a force I may not be able to control. I will want to teach them a lesson. This scares the hell out of me. I am a big, self-hating, red head, itchin' to teach someone a lesson because as a child I lacked the power to defend myself...
I grew up in a suffocating, black and green world of violence and powerlessness. I drink, smoke cigarettes and I think about suicide everyday because I've refused to turn that powerlessness, hate and violence out into the world. So I turn it inside where it has created this big giant black hole. It's not just the void. It's a massive black hole and it eats at me everyday, threatening to consume a life that never felt like mine in the first place. This is the other extreme of violence. I don't want to live in a world of violence, internal or external, anymore. I am scared and confused by all of this.
I'm probably not much different from those thugs who beat up those two men. I just deal with it differently. But, like I said: confusion. Why do they turn their hate out and I turn mine in? Why does Marcus want to take the peaceful route and I want to go redneck huntin', even though I know it won't solve anything? Why do those assholes have to corrupt peace lovin', liberal minded, over-educated and under-paid Missoula with that shit? I want peace, but I also want to feel their cheekbones collapse under my knuckles.
It's very confusing. I don't want to live in a world of violence and hate anymore.
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